The Cornered Cat

The media, both entertainment and news, have grotesquely skewed the public image of women who choose to responsibly own firearms for self-defense. Unfortunately, constant exposure to public image can affect self-image. That can be dangerous, whether the result is a woman who becomes anorexic or a woman who allows herself to be talked out of exercising her absolute right to effective personal protection.

This Armed Woman’s Attitude Test is offered in the hopes of putting some of the false images into a proper perspective. Please circle A, B, or C in answer to each question.

What is the real meaning of that pink T-shirt with a revolver on it that says, “The ultimate in feminine protection?”

  1. Obviously a plot by seditious gun fanatics from the NRA.
  2. Ultimate force equals ultimate personal protection.
  3. A 9mm for “light days” and a .44 Magnum for “heavy days.”

For rape and assault prevention, a whistle is:

  1. All you’ll ever need.
  2. Next to useless with nothing to back it up.
  3. The signal to “Fire!”

The movie Thelma & Louise was:

  1. An insidious Hollywood plot to stamp out femininity and glorify mindless violence by women.
  2. A female buddy film that included allegories of empowerment.
  3. A training film.

What was technically wrong with the scene in Thelma & Louise where the two women disarmed a Texas State Police Officer?

  1. Real women would never do anything as tacky, tasteless, and altogether gauche as pointing guns at a man, let alone taking his icky, disgusting gun for their own use.
  2. There is no Texas State Police per se, but rather a Department of Public Safety that includes a Highway Patrol; they do not authorize the .45 1911 auto for carry except by Texas Rangers; the ammo on the officer’s belt was revolver cartridges in single loops, not appropriate auto pistol ammo in magazines.
  3. The dumb broads left a perfectly good shotgun clamped to the dashboard of the cruiser.

A mouse runs across the kitchen floor. The proper response it to:

  1. Climb onto a high stool and scream for a man to help you.
  2. Call the exterminator.
  3. Link up the belt feed to the M-60.

You are discussing the depressing local crime statistics with your good-hearted neighbor, Ralph, who suggests that you buy a .25 caliber pistol for home defense. You reply:

  1. “Never! A woman who buys a gun has humiliatingly surrendered to the evil ethos of mindless macho sexist brute force!”
  2. “An amusing suggestion, Ralph, but don’t you think it’s a little light for the purpose?”
  3. “Only to plant in the dead hand of the next little weasel stupid enough to give me wimpy advice like that!”

What is your reaction to the concept of a bra holster?

  1. “Yeech! It would be an obscene juxtaposition of the icon of death with the symbol of nurturing!”
  2. “Uncomfortable and impractical, designed by males for females.”
  3. “Not a bad idea, so long as it doesn’t get in the way when you reach for the MAC-10 submachine gun in your shoulder sling.”

Define “male.”

  1. The first syllable of “malevolence,” which in turn is only one letter short of “male violence.”
  2. An individual of the opposite sex.
  3. A quaint anachronism, once useful for protection of females, but rendered obsolete by contemporary firepower.

Where, in the scheme of things defensive, do such spray products as Mace and CapStun belong?

  1. Nowhere! If you just show your attacker compassion and understanding, you won’t need nasty things like that.
  2. At the lower-threat levels of the Use of Force Continuum.
  3. In the medicine cabinet; real women use mace instead of Feminique.

You are cornered in your home by a knife-wielding intruder. He ignores your command to halt, and charges you with the knife upraised. How many shots should you fire?

  1. None. It would be better to die than sacrifice moral victory by using “his” kind of force.
  2. As many shots as are necessary to stop the attack.
  3. A minimum of fifty shots. Hey, when is the next time you’ll get a chance like this to express yourself, and get in touch with your feelings?

Grading the Exam

If 8 or more (80 %) of your answers were “A,” it is time to check into a Reality Clinic. Perhaps the meek will inherit the earth, but only when the rest of us are done with it.

If 8 or more of your answers were “B,” welcome to the land of the well-adjusted adults who manage their own responsibilities with an appropriate level of power.

If 8 or more of your answers were “C,” don’t feel too bad. Society may not have a place for you, but Hollywood will, as soon as they start casting for the lead role in Bride of Rambo.