Making the Decision ...
Could You Really?
By Kathy Jackson
I placed this article in the Mindset chapter, but it might just as well
have been placed in the Social chapter, because it's going to be less
about making up your own mind than it is about how to explain that decision
to others. If you haven't yet come to the place where you believe you
really could use a firearm to defend yourself in an extreme situation,
please keep reading anyway. You might find something here that strikes
a chord.
A few years back, a female relative approached me with some concerns she
had. "Kathy," she asked me, with somewhat elaborate casualness,
"your husband tells me you've been taking a lot of shooting classes...?"
"Yep," I told her, "I've got another class coming up in
March, an advanced class which I'm taking over again because I didn't
do as well on the test at the end as I'd hoped. It's pretty challenging
stuff."
She shot me a weird, sidelong glance, and then said, "Well, as long
as you enjoy it. You know, guns really scare me. I like shooting at paper
a little bit, but ... I'd never be able to shoot it, like at another person
I mean. And guns really do scare me."
I nodded. "Yeah, I know what you mean."
"My husband kept telling me I should carry one, back when I was doing
all that driving every weekend by myself. But I thought, you know, I'm
not going to use it, I really wouldn't."
I told her, "I understand what you're saying. I think you're safer
without a gun than with one, if you aren't sure you could use it."
She said, "Yeah, that's it exactly. It really would get taken away
from me and used against me, if I wasn't willing to use it."
"Well, that's true. If you don't think you would use it if you needed
it, you shouldn't carry a gun."
She nodded. "Anyway, um, er (stammer stammer stutter), I wanted to
ask you. Do you think you could use a gun, like that? Really?"
She obviously expected me to say no, or to have some problem answering.
Instead I took a deep breath and jumped in with both feet. "Yes,
I could." She blinked. I added, "I wasn't sure at first, but
I got thinking about the kids. If someone tried to hurt or kill one of
my babies --"
She said, "--you'd tear his head off!"
Laugh. "Yeah, I would, too. Wouldn't have to think about it at all.
Don't touch the kid."
"But, what if it was just you?"
"Just me? Well, growing up without a mom would hurt the kids, wouldn't
it?"
She was quiet for a minute, then said, "Yeah, I can see how you could
get there that way." Then she changed the subject so abruptly that
I had to wonder if she'd just decided that I was the moral equivalent
of an axe murderer.
Obviously all such conversations are not nearly so peaceful and non-confrontational.
Whether it's a relative, a friend, or a co-worker, answering concerns
like this can be a difficult task. On the one hand, you want to reassure
them that you're still a normal and civilized human being. But on the
other hand, it doesn't feel good to lie to yourself, or to anyone else,
while you're trying to work this sort of question out in your own mind.
Probably the best advice I can give you on that score is to try to avoid
such conversations in the first place if you can. Don't advertise that
you're a gun owner or that you're thinking about getting a gun, unless
you are willing to field questions like this from people who really won't
understand. Especially if you are still working out the issues in your
own mind, it can be really awkward and difficult to deal with the same
questions from others.
Although "protect the kids no matter what" is hard-wired into
most parents, not everyone has children. Furthermore (I'll probably get
kicked out of the Women's Club for saying this so baldly), I'm of the
opinion that my own life would be worth defending, even if I
had never had children. You don't need to have kids in order to justify
your right to save your own life and protect your body. So even though
I pulled the for-the-kids card in the conversation that started this article,
it's not really the line of thought that resonates most strongly for me.
My own life would be worth defending, even if I had never had
any children.
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Another way to answer the question could be to point out that every animal
on the planet, from the lowliest worm up to the largest carnivore, has
a built-in reflex to protect its own life. Human beings have this reflex,
too. When you were a kid, did you ever try to hold your own breath until
you passed out? Most people can't do it. Even if you are one of the very
rare people who can, your body takes over for you and starts breathing
again as soon as your conscious mind is out of the way. This is important
because it's very easy to claim, when you are sitting in your living room
calmly contemplating different options, "Why, I'd let him kill me
before I would ever fight back." But your body, threatened
with death, will have different ideas. It has a built-in reflex to fight
back and defend itself. So, when you know death is the alternative,
you will fight to protect yourself if you can, using whatever defenses
you are able. If you have an effective defense tool within reach, you
will use it.1
The drawback with using this angle is that while the defensive-instinct
argument is absolutely true, it simply isn't convincing to people who
have never been near death themselves. And it may be difficult to discuss
in polite company, because most people have some level of denial about
what they are and are not capable of doing under stress. But it may be
worth mentioning, if you think you can get away with it, because it's
a meme that people will think about later if they are honest with themselves.
"Could you really...?" sometimes means the person asking the
question really believes that nothing could be worse than taking the life
of another human. Maybe they are thinking that the worst that could possibly
happen, if they didn't defend themselves, is that they would die. For
a Christian who believes in the reality of heaven, or for other religious
people, that's not such a threat.
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A fate worse than death ...?
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But is death really the worst possible thing that could happen? Not to
my way of thinking! I don't want to sicken you, my gentle readers, with
grisly and unnecessary tales of disgusting events. You read the newspapers
and watch the news as often as I do. Having your loved ones tortured and
slowly killed in front of you, while you watched helplessly -- that would
be one thing far worse than dying outright. Living with yourself after
something like that might not even be worthwhile. I'm sure you can think
of other horrible possibilities along the same lines, and if you can't,
I want your imagination. My own is too vivid.
Sometimes the question means that the person asking it believes that no
human being, no matter what he has done, really deserves to be killed
for his actions.2
That's not a debate to get into here, but I will say that such
an argument usually shows that the person making it does not understand
the nature and purpose of self-defense. Contrary to what Hollywood might
have us all think, self-defense is not about revenge, and it's not about
punishing the attacker. It isn't even about justice. Someone who defends
herself is not passing judgment on her attacker. She is only trying to
survive until society's watchdogs arrive to stop him and then (eventually)
to pass judgment on him.
Occasionally the "Could you really...?" comes from a man who
has quaint notions about women's physical capabilities and odd beliefs
about any woman's emotional resolve. Were it not for the fact that women
ask this question of other women nearly as often as men do, I might be
tempted to slap the sexist label on the question itself. It isn't.
But there's no denying that sometimes the question comes from men who
are motivated by some very offensive ideas. I've never found a good way
to deal with such people except to ignore them and move on. You can't
please everyone!
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this web site © 2006-2008 by Kathy Jackson. For permission to quote, please
contact author.
Image titled, "True Love" © Oleg Volk,
www.a-human-right.com and used by permission. Thanks Oleg!
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